After spending years in funeral service, I’ve seen just about every kind of family dynamic imaginable. Most families are kind and appreciative, grateful for your help in navigating such a painful time. But sometimes? Grief comes out sideways—and you’re the one standing in its path.
I’ve had families yell at me over things I couldn’t control, accuse me of things that never happened, and demand answers for things that didn’t make sense. In the beginning, it was hard not to take it personally. But over time, I learned one of the most important lessons in this profession:
It’s not about you.
When families are difficult, it’s because their emotions are overwhelming, and you just happen to be the one in the room when they overflow. The key is staying professional, compassionate, and keeping your sanity intact. Here’s what’s worked for me.
1. Understand Where the Frustration Comes From
- Upset about pricing? They may be feeling financial strain or guilt about not “doing more.”
- Arguing over details? Grief makes people crave control, and they’ll fixate on what they can control—like flowers, music, or paperwork.
- Short-tempered or rude? It could be exhaustion, family tensions, or unresolved issues with the deceased.
Instead of reacting emotionally, I’ve learned that stepping back and acknowledging their feelings helps. A calm statement like, “I know this is incredibly difficult, and I’m here to make things as smooth as possible for you,” can quickly defuse tension.
2. Stay Professional, But Set Boundaries
In this profession, compassion is non-negotiable—but so is protecting your emotional well-being. Being kind doesn’t mean being a doormat.
If someone is upset, staying calm and composed often de-escalates the situation. Gently but firmly redirecting the conversation back to what you can do is equally powerful. For example, if a family insists on something impossible, I’ve found saying, “I understand you’d really like that, and here’s what I can offer instead,” helps keep things productive.
And when someone crosses the line? It’s okay to set boundaries. I’ve calmly said, “I want to help you, but I need us to communicate respectfully,” and it’s made a big difference.
Think of yourself as a guide, not a target. You’re there to provide support—not to absorb someone else’s grief-fueled frustration.
3. Don’t Get Pulled Into Family Drama
I’ve seen funeral arrangements bring out some of the most painful family dynamics—sibling rivalries, long-standing grudges, or unresolved issues with the deceased. These emotions often explode during the planning process.
When this happens:
- Avoid taking sides. Your role is to carry out final arrangements, not to play referee.
- Direct family members back to the legal next of kin or decision-maker if disputes arise.
- If discussions become heated, suggest they take a break to talk privately before moving forward.
When emotions run high, I’ve used this line more times than I can count: “I understand this is an emotional time, but we need to keep things moving so we can honor your loved one as planned.” It works wonders for refocusing everyone’s attention.
4. Take Care of Yourself, Too
This job takes an emotional toll. If you don’t take care of yourself, burnout will hit you faster than you realize.
On tough days, I remind myself that for every difficult family, there are many more who are grateful for my help. Focusing on those positive moments helps me reset.
I also rely on my team. There have been times when I knew I wasn’t the right person to calm a tense family. Handing the situation off to a colleague has saved both my energy and the family’s experience.
Finally, I’ve developed small reset strategies to keep myself grounded—a quick breath of fresh air, a quiet moment between services, or simply pausing to gather my thoughts.
And on especially challenging days? I turn to my folder of thank-you notes from families I’ve helped. It’s a powerful reminder of the impact we make.
Final Thoughts
Working in funeral service isn’t easy. Difficult families are part of the job, but they don’t have to define it.
✔️ Understand that their emotions aren’t about you.
✔️Stay professional, but don’t tolerate disrespect.
✔️Avoid getting involved in family disputes.
✔️Take care of yourself just as much as you take care of others.
At the end of the day, we’re here to guide families through one of the hardest moments of their lives. And no matter how tough some moments may be, never forget: you’re doing important, meaningful work.